truth nugget #79 #metoo

#metoo

the thing about this – from what we deem small instances of sexual harassment (cat-calling, perhaps) to violent sexual abuse – is that it’s ingrained to a point that once in a while I get cat-called, and a part of my brain goes, “oh thanks, I didn’t think I looked good today” or I receive a subtle, patronisingly sexist comment and I’m so used to it, that it takes me a second to register that I should be offended. it’s so EVERYDAY. it affects everyday decisions. it means people who identify as women end up BELIEVING that we have to be careful of what we say, what we wear, where we go, who we talk to. or that our self-worth is measured by the people who think they can toy with it casually. it means having to EXPLAIN WHY these things SHOULD NOT be commonplace and JUSTIFY that our reactions are NOT friggin triggered and we are NOT BEING SENSITIVE. I’ve been talked down to, been told to calm down even when I’ve been blatantly disrespected, been called “little girl”, whistled at, countlessly undressed with men’s eyes, flashed at, asked to flash myself at others, touched in the front seat of a cab, grinded against in clubs and on trains, and (even though this is an assumption, I’m pretty sure something bad would’ve gone down if Dawn Ho and I hadn’t stood our ground) possibly been considered for kidnapping into some sex exploitation ring. this has happened all over the world and while I’ve tried to be vocal about it, I’ve also played my part in dismissing things to myself, telling myself that maybe I AM overreacting, like the world has told me, and/or controlling my rage because… what else can I do about it. it’s bullshit and it’s intensely f$%&ed up. and I’m done with it. every one of us needs to ask ourselves how we perpetuate this everyday, from the things we act upon, to just the things we think in our heads. cos that’s where it starts.

 

much respect and thanks to all the people who have shared their stories. ♥️

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truth nugget #56

I had an online conversation with a woman I greatly respect and came to understand that we were two who felt the same way about a trending topic, amidst a sea of people who found our opinions, well, colourful.

to be honest, I wasn’t going to say anything because I didn’t think it was a big deal to begin with. but reading some of the things expressed on social media created a bubbling inside that I had to let out.

last year, Miley Cyrus twerks and it becomes a huge scandal and there are public letters and what not because she’s just a girl and where are her parents; when really, she was over-exploited as a child, not just by her guardians but by the very same industry that hates on her. but she took that in her stride and owned up to it and didn’t give a sh*t, and I thought that very womanly of her. this year she advocates for the homeless youth in California at the same award show and her wrecking ball really must have smashed some of the ideas people had about her.

now 100 female celebrities have had their nude pictures leaked. my first thought was, ONE HUNDRED WOMEN? what is this, a female celebrity must-do? my second thought was, if they really didn’t want anyone seeing these private photographs, why are they putting them in a very unreliable cloud in a time when it has been proven that the most classified documents can been hacked into and released, and then stomping their feet with a feminist growl saying their integrity has been soiled?

I’ve read articles with headlines like “this is why you shouldn’t click on the naked photos of Jennifer Lawrence” as if that needed to be explicitly communicated and posts damning the people who said that these women should have known better than to keep such private pictures unprotected. “victim blaming” has been dropped so many times I can’t count and this has escalated to people crying out against this form of abuse.

first of all, I DO consider this sexual harassment, I DO consider this wrong and I DO consider this hacker or group of hackers to be assholes. this IS an invasion of privacy and NO woman, man, transsexual, transgender individual etc. deserves this.

however, this is my issue (which is up for discussion, please). the idea that these women have been reduced to victims who could have done nothing to prevent this really bugs me. where are the people who see feminism as true empowerment, as taking responsibility for every action and as having smarts and common sense? while I definitely don’t think any of these 100 women deserved to be humiliated, I do think they could have been smarter about this. public figures who have chosen this life and don’t know that they need to be 10 times more careful with things like this than other people, need to keep their wits about them a little more. you NEED to know that in this era, an intentional, deliberate hacking is possible. and yes, that onus is on you who takes nude photos and puts it in a digital cloud. and no, this does not take ANY responsibility away from the hacker who did this awful thing. and this goes for anyone of any gender.

the feminist world is going on the extreme defensive, saying that anyone who questions why there are so many female celebrities obsessed with taking naked pictures or why they didn’t keep the pictures safer, is passing the blame from the rightful perpetrators (the MALE hackers) to the FEMALE victims. but why aren’t these questions valid? why is it so ridiculous to suggest that you should know to keep your personal articles out of the cloud and out of a space that constantly puts you in contact with spammers, people who give hackers a bad name and internet trolls? and why is that automatically demonised as “victim blaming”?

I know this is ultimately a female issue, men are unfairly spared from this sort of gender bashing and victimising. but that in itself makes me think that if women keep playing up to the opposite end of things, we are perpetuating it ourselves. if we keep on this track of crying “victim blaming” in EVERY circumstance, even in the ones where the women actually have a chance to protect themselves, then I feel like we are losing sight of what this battle is actually about. is it not counter-productive to female equality to say that this was not their fault because there was NOTHING these women could have done to stop this from happening? is it not enabling the cycle of abuse by eternally labelling the woman as the victim? when does the woman take it into her own hands? when does she say, I am real and I live in reality and while these things still happen, the stand that I will take is to arm myself with my wits and common sense and not to join the up-in-arms-army when they want me to keep playing the victim?

female equality is very important to me. I grew up around very strong women who encouraged me to speak my mind and form my own opinions. I do not take this matter lightly in the least. sexual harassment and abuse is something that angers and upsets me beyond what I can express, it leaves me with no words. I take “victim blaming” in these situations very, very seriously. I wrote a post about it here before and my feelings remain the same. to abuse someone of any gender is despicable and I will speak up against it and do all I can to help anyone going through it, if they will let me.

I know my herstory. I know about all the women who have fought and continue to fight the good fight. I can only hope to carry on everything they started. but I know that I cannot live my life demoralised every time there is an attack against my gender. I know that while I can be angry when someone disrespects a woman by stealing pictures of her in the nude, I have to ask myself, as a woman, what I think I would’ve done and if I would’ve considered myself helpless in the situation or if I would’ve had to take responsibility for the things I could’ve controlled better. I know that when something like this happens, reacting like I am a victim on behalf of my gender, really does make me a victim, when I don’t have to be one.

I know there are many, many, MANY women in the world who can’t make better choices because they are stuck in terrifying circumstances or in countries where there are no laws protecting women, and my heart goes out to them, but this post is not about them. this post is about 100 educated, privileged women who live their lives in the limelight, who need to shake off the “victim” label and understand the cloud for what it is: a space in the digital sphere that isn’t safe, call out the hackers for what they are: people of the human race with no decency, and own up to what they are in the present moment: people who can use this experience to teach other people about protecting their privacy. do it like Miley and don’t be the victim. this Miley quote is so cheese but it sums this up: “when life puts you in tough situations, don’t say ‘why me?’ say ‘TRY ME.'”